I'm sad. But I guess its my fault.
See, I don't express affection very well. I'm pretty damn bad at it, actually. So when I say that I love someone, I really mean it. Coz I don't go around throwing bits and pieces of my heart for people to gnaw at.
Family is one of the things I hold very dear to my heart.
I may be pissed off at Ayah, coz he eats out loud, and he likes to criticize and find fault in whatever you do. I may be angry at Mama coz she's always blaming me for my younger siblings' incompetence. I may be easily annoyed by my sister Lisa, and her mood swings. I may be annoyed by my sister Nadia because of some crap she did, and by my sister Yin and her short temper, and by my sister Tasha coz she's so delusional and by my brother for eating too fast and too loud.
But all of that is never (EVER) going to stop me from giving them whatever little it is that I am capable of giving them. And doing whatever it is I can to please them. And pissing other people off just so they're better off.
Yes, I seem cold. I don't give out hugs. I don't give out kisses. I don't hold hands with anyone (even friends) when I walk. I don't tell you 'I Love You' every other day.
But I always thought that my affection towards my family is implied, ya know? Just because I tease my sisters and brother for being incompetent and too dependent, doesn't mean I love them any less. If anything, its coz I love them, and I want them to learn how to be independent and whatnot.
Its super cliche; but I'd take a bullet for my family. I would teach my sister how to ride a bike, just so that stupid little whiny bitch can stop showing off and making fun of my sister for still riding on training wheels. I'd text her ex-boyfriend, who disappears without a warning, telling him he's just a piece of shit. I would call that creepy old balding teacher and tell him to f*ck off and stop keeping contact with my sister coz he's being a total pedo. I would gladly hit those little bitches who talks smack about my little sister in school, and made her skip school the following day.
So now I'm sad, coz just because I was a bit reluctant to help out, someone judges me and say that I never help my family when they need me. SAD okay. SAD as in I'm bawling my eyes out right now.
I don't like it. I'm sorry that I can't appear more passionate. Thats just not my style. I'm a total robot when it comes to love and all things related to it, but you don't get to say I don't have feelings.
2 comments:
in the end of the day wowo it's what your family said to you that only matters the most.dont give a dang on people's craps.we do what we think is good for our family is great enough.
#even reading your blog eversince one can know how loving you are to your family ;)
Now you know how I feel back then. How I've tried to pleased everyone at home, but end up being accused ungrateful. And how hurtful it was when you who hadn't been around(SEMASHUR - Egypt) accused me on the same thing without even knowing the real situation.
It doesn't make me love my family any lesser. But at that point, I felt like I can never do enough for the family eventhough I've tried. Hence, the argument between me and mum (especially).
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