So, It Surfaces Again.

I wish for once, there'd be a person who tells me to just F*** all this, get the hell away from it, never look back, start anew, and feel like you genuinely belong and feel happy for once.

Instead everyone insists that I carry on, be strong, it'll all work out, I just haven't adapted yet, I'm a late bloomer, BLABLABLA.

Honestly, its not that I'm not trying. I AM. Really. In my mind I tell myself that this is where I want to be. But I believe that you should never ignore what your heart and even, gut tells you. The mind is all logic. And sometimes logical thinking sets limitations to your potential. It stops you from taking risks.

My heart haven't been here with me for a while now. I think its home. Or at least someplace where I'd be doing things I really love and competent at. Which is not here. I can't help but feel so out of place amongst my friends here. Some even point that out to me saying: "What are you even doing here? You should be doing arts, etc etc."

I can't seem to focus. STOP TELLING ME I'M NOT TRYING OKAY. 

I F***ING AM. 

But I'm greedy. I want more than this. I want more than having to go to class, listening to 2-4 hour lectures, being obliged to study all the time, LIVE FOR EXAMS. Where exams determine your success. WTH. Everyone has their own definition of success and I refuse to accept that mine is in the hands of a professor who rates my 'success' by what I write on a piece of paper.

I wanna live. Call me worldly. Whatever pleases you. Its not that I'm completely ignoring the fact that the world is temporary and is just a mere train stop before the Ever After, but... I wanna explore as many things I can, while I can.

How the hell am I gonna bungee jump into the Grand Canyon at 40 years of age?

*sighs. I don't know. I feel that I'm only rebelling right now. I haven't been truly peaceful for quite some time now. Mannnn this may not be at all what I want, but thats how I feel at the moment. 

But for now, I'm grateful with what I have, with where I am, and everything that I've been blessed with. Alhamdulillah.

I'm not gonna stop trying to make it here, just because a part of me wants something completely different. I still have a pretty good head on my shoulders. Still have my feet rooted to the ground. I wanna do good. For my parents, for anyone who matters or cares. And more importantly, for ME. I don't wanna be known as that person who gave up.

Right now all that matters that I get through all 5 years that I have left here, studying medicine. After that, get through my houseman-ship period and LIVE.

Relationships can wait. Marriage can wait. A job as a doctor can wait.

I wanna take some time for myself. DO things I wanna do, travel places, meet new people, try other jobs, be it a waitress, a barista, HELL, that person who passes pamphlets, I DON'T CARE. I'm gonna make whatever little money I can, travel and DO EVERYTHING.

Sky diving, bungee jumping, cliff diving, mountain climbing, drive an ATV through the Abi Dhabi desert, participate in a movement to save nature, do volunteer work, write a book, etc etc.

Only till I'm content and fulfilled, will I return to a routine life.

InsyaAllah.