Mes Raisons Pour Quitter.

Y'know, I don't plan on explaining everything just as soon as I revealed that I am ending my studies in Egypt. Mainly coz I didn't want it to be like... somewhat of a press conference where I tell everyone I'm quitting, and the next day I'm explaining the backstory of what really happened, what led me to make said decision, etc. 

Its as if I enjoy making a spectacle of myself.

But I received a big difference in blog traffic today, which in my opinion is due to the contributions of my now ex-peers and their curiosity in trying to confirm the truth about whether I really did quit.

I also received a number of messages in Facebook. A few of them are congratulatory, and I am thankful to these people. Coz the people who sent them all know me pretty well. They know what I really enjoy doing. They sensed that I wasn't very happy in Egypt... and they saw it with their own eyes as well. (Coz I cried a number of times due to stress.) 

So they are happy for me, knowing that I'm about to pursue something they know themselves that I would enjoy doing. Even the people that I have never even talked to / have a conversation with sent me a message, telling me that it was good that I dared to step out.

But a few of the messages I received are in the form of pleas, and regret that I quit. I love that a number of people admit that they'll miss me, because I've never thought of myself as someone who would be. Missed, that is. But to be completely honest; I'm not too happy with the pleas, asking me to reconsider my decision, and come back to Alexandria and presume my studies there. 

Its not that I don't appreciate their concern, and their effort to help me through. Unfortunately for them, I'm the kind of person who doesn't change her decisions, based on other people's opinions. Especially one that's life-changing, as the one I made.

Thats the reason I never asked anyone what they thought I should do; quit or continue. Not even my housemates, the person I'm closest to in Egypt. Coz I don't like it when people put their 2 cents into my piggy bank. You understand? My piggy bank is mine to fill, coz by the time I break it, the coins or the lack of coins contained inside it will bring benefit (or none at all)  to ME. 

So ultimately, that means that this is MY decision to make, coz it concern something that will affect what happens to MY future. Which is why I would appreciate it sooo much if everyone would stop trying to turn things around.

Its incredibly nice of you to do so, but I just have to tell you to back off. Coz when I've made a decision; I MADE it. Theres simply no turning back, unless that is what I later decide.

I think I might as well explain the reasons behind my quitting medicine, in a way that easy to understand;

(1) I was stressed.

Now I know what you're thinking; "Bahhh come on, as if I'm not stressed" and "Kau ingat kau sorang je stress belajar semua benda ni?" And you're allowed to think so. Coz I can't defend myself, and tell you that my stress is different and is on a larger scale than yours. Coz there is absolutely no way for me to find that out for sure.

It is generally known that every student has to deal with stress. But the kind of stress I face in Egypt, is far different from the ones I've personally felt before (all throughout school and so). Its the kind where I am constantly crying whenever I am reminded of my incompetency to remember and recall what I learned in class. Where when the house is empty, I would scream out loud and pull on my hairs as depicted in countless American films.

So, yeah. My stress IS different. Different from my own.

(2) I lost interest in Medicine.

Honestly speaking, I'm not quite sure whether I really did LOST interest in Medicine, or I was never very interested in the first place. I guess I'll never really know.

But for the record, after school ended, all of us had so little time to decide what we wanted to study in University. And even if someone did know very well what they wanted to be, (coz perhaps they know someone working in that profession, and they wish they could do the same, or perhaps thats all they ever wanted to be ever since they were a child) how do we know if that something is really for us? Really suitable for us?

And the Malaysian education system never really exposed us to the many different courses. Never made us go through a session with a career counselor or so, so that we could find out what we really want deep inside, and whether we are well suited for it. 

Basically, when the time came for scholarship applications, I panicked coz I wasn't even sure what I wanted to be six-ten years from then. I remember that my decision to choose medicine was greatly influenced by my love for Biology in high school. To me, it made sense then:

I love Biology = I love Medicine. Since people are always saying that both go hand in hand.

I'm not blaming my decision on anyone else. Not the government, not society, not my parents. But I will say that all those things did, one way or another, influenced me to urge for a scholarship to study medicine.

But I'm sure that we all know the saying:

Tak kenal, maka tak cinta.

It can go both ways, though. You can't also dislike / hate, when you don't know.

So I had a taste of studying Medicine, for a year and a half. And I couldn't find a reason to love it, other than 'My friends are awesome, and I would hate to leave them', which so happens to be the main reason I've hold on for as long as I could've. :'-(

Its not that I'm not good at it (even though I did fail more than one paper, more than once!), thats not the problem. Its that I don't even WANT to be good at it from the beginning. I tried, honestly. I did. I failed my first semester, so in the second, I gathered myself and managed to pass. Not with flying colours, but I passed nonetheless and that, for me, was good enough.

But entering the second year, I was reduced to rubble again. And its tiring that I have to constantly convince myself that that was what I wanted, that I was doing what was best for my future, etc. So it became an insane roller coaster ride, where I go down and up and down and up and down and up. 

Consistency doesn't exist for me there. 

(3) I had no aim.

There... I honestly don't have any aims. I don't have anything I want to achieve. I think the only two things that I ever really aimed for was:

- Passing tests. 

- Graduate in 6 years and then do something else not medicine related.

So yeah. I don't see now why I have to make myself go through SIX years, to get a certificate of higher education, when I don't even PLAN to make use of it. Its like I went through six years of studies, just so I could have a piece of paper on my wall as a decoration.

See, its not fun to just go through the motions, without having something you want to reach for. Its almost like driving for days, months straight, coz you don't know where the hell you're heading.

And I was never that kind of person. I didn't realize it then, but I'm the type of person who works hard for something I want. And I'm not just talking about pushing myself to achieve excellent results in PMR, SPM, blahblahblah.

I'm not good in a lot of things, but if I REALLY wanted to, I can. 

The problem in Egypt was that, I never wanted anything that has to do with what I was doing. 

(4) I was unhappy.

I mean, sure, I don't mean that I'm always depressed, and am always masquerading my frown with a smile. None of that.

I was happy. Especially when I'm with friends. And my smiles were never faked either. Okay maybe a couple of times, but you can rest assure that most other times, its genuine.

But I was never truly happy. I can't find a way to express it better, but hopefully you'd understand. Its like, when the day ends, and when I'm not laughing with my friends.... I felt sad. Not the typical sadness, like... sad, and empty and shit.

I tried hard not to make all that apparent to anyone else though. So maybe thats why people don't really expect that I was unhappy. I really don't like people to know about my problems, coz I don't want them to have to share the burden.

And happiness is important okay! I don't want to look back and think that I WASTED six years on something, but instead, I want to do something that I can look back at... and be happy and proud about. Almost similar to what I feel about boarding school.

This is six years we're talking about. And I'm not about to let myself live that amount of time too casually and without cause.

I think thats about all that I can share. There is a number of other reasons, but little ones. And despite being small, when a lot of them is gathered, it becomes something big.

If you think that I made this decision rashly, then stand assured that I didn't. Who f*cks around with life-changing decisions like that? Not me, I'm sure.

And before you start saying bad things about me, please know that I gave up a lot of things too. I gave up something a lot of people would've wanted. I gave up my scholarship, that I deserved and received as fairly as everyone else. I gave up my friends, who I love sooo much, it hurts sooo badly that I have to leave them. I gave up a huge chunk of my dignity to my ex-peers in Alexandria, to my friends at home, to my teachers, etc.

Also, its true that not a lot of people can afford to make my decision. I realize that I'm fortunate enough to have parents that are able to pay back all my debts to the government, when there is someone out there, who shares the same problems as mine, but can't do the same because his/her family can't support that decision.

So please know, that I didn't mean to offend anyone with my decision. I know that it seems to some of you that I made the decision to leave almost too easily. Do know that I didn't take this whole thing lightly. Its not like I'm stressed out one day, and the next I'm calling up my parents, telling them I want out.

NO. I thought about it. Long. And hard. I know exactly what I was going to have to leave behind, and what awaits me in the future. I made the decision only when I was absolutely certain, that it was a good one.  

All I ask for everyone now, is to support my decision and pray for my future, the same way I'll continue to pray for yours. 

Thank you.

P/S: I'm applying for Taylor's University's Foundation in Design. So hopefully I don't hear any other rumours of me applying to any other colleges for any other course.

P/S 2: Title is the result of my shabby, but still good enough (to me, at least) French. Nyahaha.