The Thing About Parents.

I'm going to write about parents tonight. Just because I had to encounter both of them in a seemingly awkward slash annoying fashion today.

But no, I am not about to bash them and say bad things about them, because despite everything and / or anything, I will always love them both unconditionally. 

Encounter One: Ayah

I didn't eat anything today, with the exception of a few bites of that-keropok-from-Malacca-with-a-name-I-fail-to-remember-right-now, so by dinner time, I got superrr hungry. At first I planned on just getting a pack of Red Bull from the nearest convenience store, but thought about how that wouldn't end my hunger, but just supply me with just enough energy till midnight, and by then I'll become hungrier, leading me to cook up a batch of unhealthy crap at 3 a.m. and go straight to sleep after.

So I decided against it, and went to my parents, asking them to get me some HOR FUN. 

*salivates*

At first my mother told me to go to this one Chinese Muslim restaurant, with just my sister Nadia. But then, my father stated that he would like to come along.

BAMMM. I can already picture what its going to be like.

Don't get me wrong... My father is MY NUMBER ONE ROLE MODEL. When there were essays that requires me to write about who inspires me most, and who do I want to become like when I grow up, etc whilst I was in school, I would always, undoubtably write about my father.

And I love him, despite our inability to talk to each other comfortably. Ohh you know how it is... How girls prefer to talk about some things that fathers are never interested about. If I had anything that I felt he would be interested in talking about, I often would bring it up.

Okay, well the thing is, whilst in the car (AKA the most uncomfortable place EVER when you're in there with JUST your parents, coz you know they'll say something about a certain something that you always ran away from talking about) he started talking about my studies... and how I should write a letter to *toot* university and ask them to transfer my credits in order to transfer.

The thought that ran across my mind was: 

"Did he get what my problem was to begin with?"

"Does he even realize that what he suggested is not at all a solution to the problems I've been facing?"

If I remembered well, he knew the reason why I thought and made the decision to *toot*. So at the time, I was kind of annoyed that he suggested such a thing, coz it would've meant that he didn't understand the motive of my decisions at all.

Moreover, when just a few days ago, he told me to pursue something else entirely. Something I never even wanted to.

Even when you love someone, you're still allowed to feel a little ticked off and hurt by them. In this situation, I feel:

(1) Slightly pissed because I remember years back, when I asked him that I wanted to do said thing he now wants me to AT the place he now wants me to... and he rejected the idea entirely. And now, I've completely lost interest in said subject, and he's pushing (even if its just a little bit) me towards it.

(2) A little hurt: Because he hadn't been paying attention to the cause of my depression, and because of what I mentioned before. I just need him to not push me towards any of his preferences, coz when he does, I instinctively lean towards it. Given time, I would unconsciously convince myself that it was MY choice. My idea. And I don't want that to happen.

I want this decision to be MINE. And just MINE. Whatever I decide on, I'm sure he'll support me. I don't doubt that.

Encounter Two: Mama

I went to Ikea today. Left home around 1400 hours, got lost on the way (I WAS SO CLOSE. SO CLOSE by the way! One wrong turn and I ended up in the middle of somewhere I had no idea even existed), spent an hour buying a few necessities that Mama needed for the house and I needed for my room and returned home around 1700 hours.

When I saw Mama, I told her about the things I bought, and... what did I get? A scolding. Because its been apparent recently, that when the house is not clean, I can do no right.

So I do what I usually do when I get scold; isolate myself in my room. And download tons of gaming apps for my brother to put on his iPad. SEE? I'm a pretty good sister no? :-)

Only OF COURSE, to be startled by my mother shouting from outside my bedroom door, telling my sister and I to bring upstairs the laundry we folded earlier, and place them in their rightful places inside our walk-in closet.

Being a mother, she nagged about it for the next thirty minutes or so. And at one point, I thought:

"Am I really that bad of a daughter?"

The other day, my sister and I had a conversation about the people we know who have almost no respect to their parents at all, does tons of crazy things that we would get scolded for even if we joked about wanting to do it and asking them whether they would permit it, and some other things.

It definitely led us to think that: "Oh gosh, our parents are LUCKY to have us."

I mean, given, YES, we aren't perfect. But compared to a lot of teenagers nowadays, we are TOP NOTCH. 

We don't talk back to our parents, we don't do things that are completely unacceptable to them, we have never snuck out during the night, we don't go to clubs and party, we don't smoke, we don't drink, we don't pierce our tongues, we don't wear revealing clothes, we don't hang around with boys alone, we don't kiss boys or do anything that involves anything too physical, heck we don't even have boyfriends!

The thing is... this post really has no point. I guess I just wanted to rant.

Okay, but there are things that I've realized today. First thing, concerns the problem I have with my father. The truth is; I blame myself. I mean, sure... maybe he's a little guilty as well, but I can't just accuse him of being ignorant when I hadn't even had a  serious conversation with him about it.

I mean, he could KNOW about what I've been through... but its possible that thats about it. He hasn't any idea about the intensity of it all and stuff. So to be fair, I should've explained in more details as to what I felt, what I'm feeling, what I want him to know and shizz y'know?

About my mother: She's always been like that. I assume most mothers are. Though I get annoyed and sometimes think she needs to appreciate me better; I never ever hate her for it. She has every right to scold me. She spends her day working, and dealing with all sorts of problems, and to come home to a mess of a home after all that, one WILL get angry and frustrated.

And me thinking that I'm a good enough daughter? Thats not fair as well. Of course, when compared to people that are generally thought of to be worser than you, you're always better. MOST DEFINITELY. 

The people I should REALLY compare myself to are the daughters of proud parents that other parents can't help but envy. Only when I'm up to par, THEN I can judge whether I deserve to be entitled as a better daughter.

I'm sorry if it feels like I'm saying bad things about my parents. I'm not. Really. I'm pretty sure these are pretty common things that happen to a lot other families. Hopefully you would see this post as me taking 'iktibar' of today's occurrences.

Goodnight! I'm gonna go cut up some fruits + vegetables for our sugar gliders. :-)