The Daddy Complex.

Fathers. Such complicated people to understand. 

Well, once you're grown up lah kot. Here's the thing, when I was a kid, I was more a Daddy's girl than a Momma's. And I loved it. If I wanted anything, I'd go to my father. When I was sad about our cat dying, I'd cry on his lap. When I printed out posters of our missing cats, and no one bothered to help me put it out, I'd vent my anger on my father as well.

But once I'm grown up, that all changes. Its not that I'm a Momma's girl or anything now. I'm neutral.

What I'm saying is that, back then, it was much easier to talk to my father compared to now. I know I shouldn't expect the same things back when I was two, to be the same when I'm turning twenty. 

I LOVE my father. Honest. I'm not saying this early on just to stop people from stamping 'Ungrateful Child' on my forehead, but instead I'm saying this because I feel that I need to stress that how unsatisfied I am on matters concerning my father, that I will always love him. That will never change. EVER. And everyone should feel the same as well.

Fathers are human as well. We can't expect them to be perfect.

I'm glad that when I began classes, my father asked about them. What I learned, and whatnot. I wanted to tell him. This is a huge milestone in my life, and he's a HUGE part of it, so it is only fair that I provided him with details. Even more so when he is the one paying my tuition fees.

But what makes me sad is how he will always have something negative to say about everything.

My mother says that is what makes him a great businessman. He takes no shit. He sees the worse, because he knows what's better. He criticizes. He takes no as an answer. He believes everything is possible (as long as it does not go beyond the boundaries of religion).

So I kinda get it when he says that my new university is crappy because they choose to extend orientation throughout the whole week, and have endless talks. He may have felt that all that was unnecessary, moreover with the amount of money they're making us pay. This is my opinion lah, coz I honestly almost sh*t in my pants when I saw the semester tuition. 

Lets just say that its half of my father and mother's monthly salary combined. Even my credit card was declined wehh coz it was over my card's limit. Sad or not.

I won't go into details, but I guess thats why I can't talk to my father as normally as I would to my mother. If only I could talk to him HALF as normally as I talk to Mama pun dah okay for me. (Coz I talk to Mama like I talk to my sisters, tho with more respect lah, coz I got a scolding once about me treating my mother too much like a friend. Yes, there are boundaries, people!)

Its not that I don't want to! Because I really do! I want to be able to tell him about my day, and not just the serious stuffs concerning classes and assignments. But about how this one 'Makcik' didn't signal to get into MY lane, but still ada hati nak pandang serong. About this one car with FLAME stickers on it that moves at a snail's pace. About how awesome I was during orientation and how I didn't feel two years older than other people, coz if anything, I was more childish. And how people find my kabut-ness humorous. 

Nothing is stopping me from sharing all of that except for that little thought in the back of my mind that says: He's going to say something bad about it. And you're going to feel like an idiot, coz you know what he's saying is true. Somehow.

So I never do.

Mama reminds me to not take what he says personally. And I don't. But my father is someone I look up to and hold such great respect for, so his words will have an effect on me, one way or another. I may not give a rat's a** about what anyone else has to say about me, but I take my parents' opinions into serious account.

But whatever it is, I just need to get this out of my system.

I don't plan on defying my father anytime soon, or EVER, for that matter. And I don't want him to stop asking me stuff, thats his way of assuring me that he DOES care. I just wish he would at least, once in a while, give some words of encouragement, and put out a good response. It'll mean THE WORLD to me.

Until that happens, I'm just going to continue tolerating his comments, and continue taking the bullets that are his words. Coz what I have to face is nothing (NOTHING) compared to what he has to deal with whilst raising me... I'm sure. (Plus my FIVE other siblings.) So patience is the only thing I can offer him right now, despite how very little it obviously is.

Plus I'm certain that he rarely ever do mean what he says. He wants the best for me, I know that. But he's a busy man, with a lot of responsibilities, and if this is how he releases stress, and how he chooses to vent out his frustrations. Then let it be. I'll take it, all of it, if it means I could help ease his burden.

I love you Ayah. And I will always do. And I hate when you talk about death as if you expect it to come to you soon. I mean, it may, coz that is ultimately in the hands of Allah SWT. But it makes me (and all my other sibs) extremely sad when you say it, coz we want you around for the REST OF OUR LIVES. No kidding. YOU and MAMA. HONEST.

So I'll take what you throw in my direction Ayah. Coz as long as you're well and still throwing, I'm happy. It is once it stops will I be truly devastated.